I considered sharing my whole heart, but in order to do that, it may hurt a few people in the process, and I realized quickly it felt more like it was “a revenge thing” rather than “a healing thing”. My thoughts and words were coming from an angry broken heart, and I realized, trying to reveal someone’s true colors through a blog let alone in life won’t get me anywhere. I wanted him to hurt like he left me hurting, but all I have are words and my story. Words that I have complete control over. A story that I have complete control over. How I share it, is strictly up to me.

Attempt after attempt I wasn’t getting better I was allowing myself to constantly dwell on what happened, what could have been, but the obvious and simplicity of it all is “that person” wasn’t for me. He was for someone else. He was merely a bump, more like hitting a train head on, in my journey. It might have hurt. It might have stung. It might have been wrong in more ways than one. It might have spiraled me into a depression I didn’t think existed nor thought was manageable, but through the midst of the pain, I found hope. I found grace, God’s grace. I found out just how strong my faith is. How the pain made me confidently stronger.

It might have been one of the worst experiences I have encountered. But that doesn’t mean “that person” doesn’t deserve happiness. Today, I did something I haven’t thought about doing or maybe I have and just ignored it. My flesh would love to share, to go in depth of how I was treated, but what good does that do? Really? It is not my place to pass judgment nor to share someone’s skeletons, their true colors. I had to seriously ask myself, What good is this? Who are you doing this for? For you? For him? Revenge??

I believe Taylor Swift said it best,

“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons that you’ve learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believe that pain makes you stronger and I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.”

So..

Today, I prayed for “that person”, I prayed he would have a lifetime of happiness, despite the pain he caused. I shed a few tears, but I truly meant it. I prayed to let go of the bitterness once and for all. I prayed that even though I will never hear an apology, it was time to forgive. It’s been a exactly a year give or take a few months. Full throttle ahead. It was an overwhelming experience for me. A hurtful one, but a lesson learned. We choose how we are going to deal with the cards handed to us in this life. We can be bitter, or you can be better.

So..

Today, I choose better. I choose bigger. Letting go of what will never be and embracing what will be. I have to focus on me, my walk. Not “that person”. I’m not minimizing what happened, but I’m not the pain he caused me anymore, I’m not the girl he ignored, I’m not the girl he dropped like a bag of potatoes, I’m not his verbal punching bag, I’m not the lies he told me, I’m not the product of his narcissism, I’m not the broken-hearted girl, I’m not her anymore. I’m no longer mud stuck in the past. It doesn’t mean I have to forget, because after all, our past is part of our journey, it is the very thing that molds us into exactly who we are, what we become. We are the products of the lessons we learn. We can continue to reach for revenge, dig to only make ourselves feel better or we can choose to let the wounds exit.