I never saw you coming… even after months of dreading a deployment. The grievance of my husband being gone. The tears I shed as I watched my husband walk away for a deployment for eight months. The adjustments, the grieving of the absence of my spouse, rolling over in the bed to reach for him only to realize this deployment was real, my husband was in fact an ocean a part, thousands of miles away. Nightmares came with the grieving. Waking up from a dead sleep to realize that this is my reality, and still I never saw you coming. Our wedding anniversary came around and to the world it all looked great. I guess that’s why they call it “Fakebook”. Even so to me. However, it was real to me. I gave my husband the highest of compliments, thanking him for being my companion, my co-chef, chauffeur, confidant and so much more and still I didn’t see you coming.

I can just see it now, and the award for “Best Actor” goes to, just like a daydream and my husband walking up the steps like all the best actors accepting his award ….. and STILL I never saw you coming.

I could scream it to the roof tops, I could climb to the highest mountain and still I didn’t see you coming. A few red flags and still I didn’t see you coming. A cute Christmas card, which seemed to have won Facebook’s favorite Christmas Card 2018. We “broke the internet” <whatever that means> with our proposal video (23K views) and still I didn’t see you coming. Maybe the red flags were the key to it all, but still I didn’t see you coming.

Fast forward and I was four to five months in my husband’s (our) deployment on the uphill of the whole grieving thing. It was still a mess to go through. I finally had a grip on this thing. I was finally managing, and still I didn’t see you coming. We had finally got accepted into a nicer house on base and I was now looking forward to decorating that one. I would Pinterest almost everything and in the midst of that, still I didn’t see you coming. Christmas came and went, the bitter cold of winter was upon us, the red flags were too close for me to not ignore. They were knocking at my discerning heart for far too long. They were there the entire time, I think I was just doing my best to ignore them, out of sight, out of mind. I really wasn’t ready to face my reality. One click of a button unleashed my worst nightmares. My husband’s infidelities brought to light. One after the other. As if one wasn’t enough they kept unfolding. My heart shattered, but still I didn’t see you coming. The date. The final. Grieving through a divorce. Paralyzed with so much heartache. The tears. The crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. The guilt. The shame. The questioning of my own existence. What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? I could ask a million questions, where did it all go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Was I not pretty enough? Good enough? Worthy enough? All these questions flooded my heart? Piercing my existence and crushing my being, the little girl who said, “yes” to who she thought was her forever person, everything in that moment came crashing down. My dreams, my hopes and my future plans. My dreams to start a family. Every single detail was stolen from me in a millisecond. That’s all it took.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked myself up off the bathroom floor or any floor in my apartment for that matter. How many times I’ve stopped dead in my tracks bursting into tears for no reason, but deep down I knew. My heart was shattered. Still is. The person. My person… wasn’t my person anymore. I don’t share this to share dirty laundry, nor the skeletons, if that were the case I would tell you all the gory details, but I won’t and I’m not. I share this, because it’s real, it sucks, it hurts. I’m 35lbs lighter because of it (so if you see me out and you think goodness she’s skinny please know it’s not because of some diet, it’s because of a broken heart, a broken heart I never saw coming, it’s because of two grievances back to back) but ironically I’m a whole lot stronger because of my husband’s lack of honesty, ultimate betrayal, and a broken covenant. Two grievances I would never wish upon anyone. I can’t begin to put into words what it does to a person. What it’s done to me. To my mental state, my health… you wouldn’t know it, because I can fake happy like it’s no one’s business, but as for my health well the weight loss is screaming it for me. 

I share this, because this THIS is MY story, MY journey, I own the copyrights. Don’t let someone fear you into NOT telling your story. You never know who may need to hear it or who needs just one more glimpse of hope.  

However, my relationship with God is that much closer, closer than it’s ever been. I wish I could say I have a lot regrets, but I don’t really think I do. Maybe if I would have known this day was coming I could have hugged him a little tighter before he left for deployment, said, “I love you” just one more time, ran and kissed him one last time. Just one more time. I never imagined this would happen eight months later, but I have to take this as a lesson learned, even though I am completely shattered. My world flipped utterly upside down. Finding purpose in this pain. Finding the good. Finding the joy. I’ve yet to find them all, but I’m hanging on broken heart and all. By The Grace of God, one foot in front of the other. I never thought after he walked away, that was our last kiss, our last, “I love you” in person. If anything I wish I could go back to the day my husband left and maybe, I would have held him a little bit tighter, maybe I would have never let go, because you see my husband never came home. A different man came home. A man I no longer recognize.

I say all this to say…

Sweet friend, I don’t know what you’re going through, but if I can tell you anything it is don’t give up. It’s not your fault. There so many times out of these eleven months I didn’t think I was going to make it. Literally. Every single night and still I pray for strength to help me make it through the next day. Keep holding on. You are worth it. You are more than someone else’s opinions of you. You are more than the product of some else’s mistakes. You may have suffered unnecessary hurt, because of their lack of loyalty, but it’s not your fault. Don’t second guess who you are, because they’re stuck in a game of hide and seek. Just because they scream they are lost, it isn’t our job to find them. It’s not us, it’s them. It’s our job to find us. To embrace us. To be all God created us to be. You are enough. We are enough. Do you hear me? You are enough for the person that is meant to love you. You worthy enough for the person that is meant to love you. For the right person, we are enough, sweet friend, you are enough! For the wrong person, you’ll never be enough. You won’t have to force it, you won’t have to beg, you won’t have to do anything, you will know. Let peace flood in like a river.

Heartbreak is inevitable, but that’s where God comes in, to guide you, to comfort you, and to be the only one who can make your heart right again. He’ll be the one that helps you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart. I don’t know why some encounter more heartbreak than others (trust me I’ve asked “why me?” so many times), but I do know there comes a point where you have to stop breaking your own heart. Let go. Walk away. Stop going back to the very thing that broke you to begin with. There’s absolutely no healing in that.

Heartbreak stings. Mistakes hurt, but there’s lessons to be learned in all of it. Find the light. After all being broken allows the light to shine through in the midst of the darkness. Cling to hope, cling to God’s word, cling to the truth that He’s already claimed over you.. that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are an OVERCOMER. Cling to peace. Don’t get caught up the could haves, should haves, and the what ifs. Get caught up in right nows.. you never know what God has in store and you can plan all you want to, but at the end of the day, God’s plans are far greater than our own and will abundantly out weigh ours every single time. We just have to decide for ourselves, fight with our flesh, or snuggle with the one who knows all, who is the greatest comforter of all. Keep holding on. Keep fighting.

For everything there is a season. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

*Background on the picture attached to this blog that I chose…

I always envisioned wearing my wedding dress at our reception that we were planning for family and friends. We made the decision to elope. So he knew how dear this was to my heart, but with that being said, I got to wear my dress, but in a more courageous way. The last eleven months I’ve been drowning in so much pain and heartache. So with much needed closure and me being me, I decided to put on my wedding dress for the “first real” and “last” time, and have pictures taken professionally. I got my hair and makeup done professionally. It was liberating. It was refreshing. It just felt dang good. OKURRR! It was cold, but laying in that freezing cold water I thought to myself, if he can do what he did and just walk away, then I can brave this dang water, Jennifer. It was fun! There was laughter. There was joy and not one single tear shed, maybe because I was freeeeezzzzing, haha! There’s nothing like motivation. There’s nothing like determination.

So, on November 3rd, 2019, 10 days before what would have been our two year wedding anniversary I decided to drown my wedding dress, (kinda like trash the wedding dress) as this beauty was soaking in the water, I was letting go of every unworthy thought brought against me, the shame I have felt, the not feeling good enough, all the hell I have went through the last eleven months of my life. I’m releasing this on what would have been our two year wedding anniversary. So cheers to me, the number eleven (not sure if anyone caught the significance of that) and losing him to find me, losing him to love me, losing him to love love.

One last thing…

Ladies and gentlemen, betrayal doesn’t discriminate! Remember your worth. You are worth so much more than to be a second choice, a back up plan, however it may fall. Never settle for being second when you were meant to be someone’s first choice. Life is way too short for all that mess. Find true love and when you do, don’t let it go.

xx

Jenn

2018, you brought much adventure, moving to North Carolina, starting life there with my husband, however, you brought an abundant amount of confusion, anger, grief and happiness. My first year of marriage, trying to figure out the dos and the donts the good, the bad and the ugly. You taught me that commitment is always meeting the other half way, it’s a never ending compromise, it’s seriously loving each other unconditionally through the mountains and the valleys, and it’s watching an episode of friends or the office before bedtime. I also had to make room for a second commitment with the marine corps. Juggling two is no walk in the park. There were times I felt like the mistress to the military, but don’t get it confused, I still have the upmost respect for what my husband does. I just won’t sugarcoat it for you nor tell you it’s been easy.

2018, you were the most difficult year of my life. It was a year I couldn’t wait to live with my husband, start our life together, but it was also a year I dragged my feet, because I knew I would have to face a deployment eight months into our marriage. A year where I was walking each step with an abundant amount of heaviness, anxiety flooding my heart and fear paralyzing my happiness. But. I learned to cherish every moment big or small. Through the happy tears and through the sad, there was and still there is purpose in the pain. I Iearned the true meaning to take nothing for granted. I have learned to go with the flow as best as I can. I’ve learned to be more of a flower than a controller of my life AND that’s huge for me.

2019, I don’t know what you hold, but I do know who holds my 2019. When the flood gates are too much for me to handle, I’ll look to you even more. I want to live out God’s Will, I want to be incredibly silent that I don’t miss even the slightest whisper. When I don’t have the answers to the all the whys, I will hold on to every word you say. I’ve always been one to carry a word with me into a new year or even a season and for 2019 I’ve decided on two.. peace and self-love. Being peace led in every single thing I do. I want to focus on all things peace and also focus on things that are going to build me up and not tear me down. If it’s not going to empower me, motivate me or bring me peace then I don’t want any part of it. I’ve learned it’s okay to walk away from anything or anyone that no longer serves me, makes me happy or brings peace to the table. I desire to walk confidently in all that God created me to be, to look in the mirror and love the girl I see, imperfections and all. So here’s to protecting my peace and learning to do more self-love activities, here’s to falling in love with myself. Whatever that may be, but I’m thinking yoga, more reading and being a better healthier me. Happy New Year! #thisisme

To be continued………

 Two things prevent us from happiness; living in the past and observing others.

 2016… I had to let go of some hurt to hold on to hope. We all go through things that mold us to the very being that God created us to be. We’re tested. Things happen. Things go wrong. Things go right. Things happen the way we plan and then there are things that utterly shake us to our core and you’re left breathless, broken, beaten and bruised. Moreso for me emotionally clearly not physically. But, my my how being emotionally unstable/torn can impact you physically. I realized in the midst of uncertainty God was there. I don’t have the rhyme or reason for the things that be nor for the things that took place in 2016, but God has a purpose for all things. There’s purpose in joy and triumph. And Still. There’s purpose in pain and sorrow. Every heartache throughout my life has turned into beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and some of those hurts are still being beautified. Every burden only made me stronger. Along with every heartache and every joy. 2016 may have tried to throw me down and defeat me, but even then at rock bottom I was just getting started. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God was at work in my life and in my surroundings. Looking back there were plenty of times I wanted to give up, but it was seriously by the Grace of God I’m still fighting. I’m still here being me with all my imperfections wrapped into a 5’2 body in which I’m learning to be okay with that. 

2017… Every battle that is sure to come, I will be brave. No matter what lies ahead, God will make a way. I plan to live on these four words, “Thy Will Be Done” every single day. Honestly, at the end of the day I don’t want what I think should be, I want His Will. In the midst of chaos, in the midst of joy, in the midst of heartbreak, whatever 2017 brings I want God’s Will to be done. I’m clinging to a Father that knows what’s best for me. THAT I am sure of. I will pray diligently for freedom in all areas. With that said, I just want to be free. Free of comparison. (I think one, possibly girls in particular can relate to this one). Comparison is the ultimate joy stealer. If you’ve never been in the octagon fighting with comparison then kudos to you. For real though. I want to be the product of building other women up. NOT analyzing their pictures on social media. We are all uniquely, fearfully and wonderfully made. I want to be free of insecurities. Free of anxiety. Free of depression. Free from anything attempting to steal my joy, my hope, and my peace. I have full intentions of becoming so aware of those things or people that I will delete anything that attempts to do so. 

2017… I don’t know what you hold, but I know who holds it, and I’m trusting in that alone. That’s enough for me. I’m going to pray more. Get in The Word more. Journal more. Blog more. I’m going to trust God more. I’m going to relinquish control of my life to the one who created it. I’m going to in all areas of my life make me a better me through Him. I think my biggest challenge is that I’m going to LOVE what I see in the mirror. I’m going to love the girl that I see looking back at me. The Lord has still proven himself faithful, constant, and merciful. I’m forever grateful for all the lessons learned and for grace. Grace upon grace. A new year, means God’s not finished with me yet.

Oh my goodness — not sure how it happened, but I’ve officially hit milestone 3-0! These 20’s have been one heck of a ride, and I’ve learned so much along the way. For starters: I’ve learned how valuable my time is, and more importantly — who I’m surrounding myself with. I thought I’d share some of these lessons, in hopes to inspire all of you!

1. I’ve learned it is completely okay that you’re not okay. Don’t let someone decide your feelings for you. Embrace them, your emotions, for if you let them consume you, if you bottle them up, they will backfire and you’ll catch yourself in the biggest chaos of an explosion you ever thought imaginable.

2. I’ve learned heartbreak is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean you get a free ride to hate that person. It simply means they were a part of your journey for a season. You can’t hate someone for changing their mind. The thing about heartbreak, it teaches us exactly what you want, and ironically in doing that, it makes you stronger.

3. I’ve learned how valuable my time is.. to be more observant of who I keep in my circle, who I let in.. who I surround myself with. You have to ask yourself the question, “Does this person better me?” “Does this person bring positivity to my life or are they draining me with negativity?” It’s not selfish, it’s being loyal to your own heart.

4. Brave.. Goodness. Be brave in all areas of your life. It’s so brave to be yourself in a world that wants you to be like some girl on a magazine cover that’s a size 00. Be brave, love again despite how damaged your heart is. Easier said than done. I know. Be brave to do something new. Be brave to stand firm in all that you believe in. Be brave to love the person you see looking back at you in the mirror. Love yourself and focus on self-care.

5. I’ve learned your mornings set the tone for the rest of your day, so spend them wisely. I’m a morning person through and through. Give me a cup of coffee and Jesus, and this girl here is set.

6. Privacy is key. How wonderful it is to be a mystery when the world begs and craves for your stories. Not everyone needs to know your business. I believe social media is the devil’s playground.

7. Exercise.. Exercising is a release and ultimately good for your soul, but goodness don’t punish yourself because society says you should be just a little bit smaller or a just a little bit bigger. Do it for you, for a healthier you.

8. New beginnings.. I have to say that the number eight is my favorite number, because it represents new beginnings. A new beginning is saying “bye” to something that no longer serves you in a positive way, saying “bye” to heartache, a new beginning is another chance to get things right.

9. Listen to music. I’ve learned that in the smallest of moments, there’s music. I believe Stephanie Henry said it best, “I hold music in my heart like the breath in my lungs, it has saved me more than once. That’s the things about music. It never leaves. It’s solid. It validates my feelings and tops off my emotions. The same way my heart reminds me of my existence, the same way my name is stitched into who I am. There are lyrics on my skin from decades ago to remind me that some years were dark but I survived in the darkness and thrived in my own light. The best of my heart is a dance, instruments holding the strings, and my song is always playing.” Music is lovely and I have a song for every occasion. If we’re friends, then you’ve played “the next song is your song game” with me you’ve lost count, haha.

10. Love.. I’ve learned that we should love more and hate less. I’ve learned that the most hurtful love is unrequited love. And with saying that, it’s just evident that you haven’t met who you’re suppose to be with yet. Yup– I believe in all that sappy stuff.

11. Silence..  is nothing short of golden. I have learned that some times in this life, it is better to be quiet. Observe and remain silent.

12. Rejection.. I’ve learned it sucks, but it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It simply means they didn’t see you for the gem that you are. Take it as a removal not rejection, God’s just making room, preparing your heart for the best to come.

13. Comparison is the ultimate joy killer. It is so so hard to do. In a world where everyone shares all their happy moments and their best selfies, remember we all are silently struggle. Social media just allows one to post the happy.

14. I’ve learned that anxiety and depression go hand and hand. They’ll steal your joy, your peace, your happiness… but I’ve learned I’m a pretty good fighter. A lot of people are oblivious to these things, but it’s not my fight nor yours to make them understand.

15. Trust.. I’ve learned lies kill trust. Trust is an essential part in relationships, if it’s gone then so is your relationship. I’ve learned that no matter the current storm, we must trust in the Lord, trust that He knows exactly the outcome of the storm, the suffering you’re going through. Even when you feel lost..

16. Forgive.. Forgiveness is hard, but it’s the true key to setting you free. Doesn’t mean you forget. In reality one never forgets.

17. Walk away.. It’s okay to utterly walk away from something that no longer serves you with respect and love. At the end of the day,  the heart simply wants what it wants, but the heart will also grow sick and tired. You’ll know when you’ve had enough. When you think you don’t have the strength, God shows up and holds your hand helping you walk away. AND. Hey.. don’t beat yourself up too hard, I know first hand how hard it is to walk away from something you care deeply for, but ask yourself this one question, “Does this person or situation bring me peace?” Be peace led always!

18. The journey.. I’ve learned that the journey can be oh so difficult, but oh so rewarding. In my 20’s, I was diagnosed with melanoma, I went through a ton of heartache, probably a lot I could have prevented but I was a “little girl” who was naive. Searching for love in a man, instead of relying on God. I depended on my will, not God’s.. The journey isn’t about the why’s but instead about the what’s. What are you going to do about it? not. Why this? Why that?

19. Joy.. Sweet joy. I think what I’ve learned most about joy is that it is always right around the corner from pain. Joy is hope in your suffering. Joy is the end result of heartache. It’s the silverlining along with hope. I’d like to think joy and hope are best friends.

20. Honesty.. Goodness how much this is good a thing, but can be hurtful. I’ve learned the truth may hurt, but it very well may be the thing you need to hear to set you free. The truth always ALWAYS reveals itself, remember that. The truth hurts, but a lie can ruin a life.

21. Let go.. It’s okay to surrender to what was and allow God to change your situation. Allow God to mend your heart. Allow Him to humble you and open your eyes to the life you have been so blessed to be living. It’s okay to finally let go. Be it a relationship, a job, a friendship..

22. I’ve learned that what you allow is exactly what will continue. If you keep going back to the rose bush over and over ignoring the pain of the thorn then expect that to happen every single time. Allow pain, then that’s what will continue, allow happiness then it’s all smiles.

23. I’ve learned that just because I’m 30 doesn’t give you the free balling right to peg me as the person who has an “internal clock clicking”. You don’t know me. What if I can’t have kids? What if I don’t want them? What if I don’t want to get married? && please, for the sake of all things chocolate. Stop asking women those questions, and don’t assume! Of course, I long for happily ever after but then again that shouldn’t be any of your business. Be careful with your words. I’m fully aware I’m now 30 and still single. BUT. that doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump ship and settle for just anyone because you think my “internal clock is clicking.”

24. Kind.. I’ve learned it absolutely costs nothing to be kind. Choose kind every second, every minute.. just be kind, because you never know what someone is battling let alone what battle God has asked them to endure.

25. I’ve learned you don’t always get what you want, but instead God gives you exactly what you need.

26. I’ve learned that you must find someone that pursues you. Don’t waste your time with anyone that doesn’t make you feel wanted, cherished, loved, respected, pursued.. the whole nine yards of those words… & by find I don’t mean knock on every single door, wait for the man that pursues you wholeheartedly. You’ll know.

27. I’ve learned insecurities are indeed real. Doesn’t mean you have control issues. It does however kill your self-esteem. Find someone that gets it, that gets you, and when you do they’ll do what it takes to shred any and every doubt.

28. Valuable.. You are valuable. Your time is valuable. Remember you’re too valued to withstand anyone that treats you anything, but good. Don’t get caught up in the world, remember what you deserve. Be it in a relationship or a friendship.. you are a treasure that someone out there is seeking. 

29. Worth..  Know your worth. Know that you weren’t meant for an abusive relationship. Your worth is more than a guy who can’t seem to make up his mind, and if that’s the case you make it up for him. Your worth isn’t in a man, but in Jesus. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of all things good. You are worthy of a happy ever after. No matter your age. YOU are enough.

30. At this tender age of 30, and as I’m typing this tears flood my eyes, I’ve learned these four words, “Thy Will Be Done”, simply being that we won’t have the answers to every hurt and suffering we endure nor every heartbreak. That no matter our plans, at the end of the day God’s plans will out weigh ours every single time. When confusion floods like an overflowing river, you send it straight to hell where it came from. When you feel like you can’t make it another second, you breathe, pray and let God take over. It’s hard. Seek Him in all areas of your life. Praying hard is praying when it’s hardest to pray. Find yourself. Trust your gut. Be adventurous. Be spontaneous. Follow and participate in ALL things peace. A heart full of peace is a life at ease. And forever say, “Thy Will Be Done”.. life is just beginning at thirty. Every day is a new day, a new beginning.

I considered sharing my whole heart, but in order to do that, it may hurt a few people in the process, and I realized quickly it felt more like it was “a revenge thing” rather than “a healing thing”. My thoughts and words were coming from an angry broken heart, and I realized, trying to reveal someone’s true colors through a blog let alone in life won’t get me anywhere. I wanted him to hurt like he left me hurting, but all I have are words and my story. Words that I have complete control over. A story that I have complete control over. How I share it, is strictly up to me.

Attempt after attempt I wasn’t getting better I was allowing myself to constantly dwell on what happened, what could have been, but the obvious and simplicity of it all is “that person” wasn’t for me. He was for someone else. He was merely a bump, more like hitting a train head on, in my journey. It might have hurt. It might have stung. It might have been wrong in more ways than one. It might have spiraled me into a depression I didn’t think existed nor thought was manageable, but through the midst of the pain, I found hope. I found grace, God’s grace. I found out just how strong my faith is. How the pain made me confidently stronger.

It might have been one of the worst experiences I have encountered. But that doesn’t mean “that person” doesn’t deserve happiness. Today, I did something I haven’t thought about doing or maybe I have and just ignored it. My flesh would love to share, to go in depth of how I was treated, but what good does that do? Really? It is not my place to pass judgment nor to share someone’s skeletons, their true colors. I had to seriously ask myself, What good is this? Who are you doing this for? For you? For him? Revenge??

I believe Taylor Swift said it best,

“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons that you’ve learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believe that pain makes you stronger and I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.”

So..

Today, I prayed for “that person”, I prayed he would have a lifetime of happiness, despite the pain he caused. I shed a few tears, but I truly meant it. I prayed to let go of the bitterness once and for all. I prayed that even though I will never hear an apology, it was time to forgive. It’s been a exactly a year give or take a few months. Full throttle ahead. It was an overwhelming experience for me. A hurtful one, but a lesson learned. We choose how we are going to deal with the cards handed to us in this life. We can be bitter, or you can be better.

So..

Today, I choose better. I choose bigger. Letting go of what will never be and embracing what will be. I have to focus on me, my walk. Not “that person”. I’m not minimizing what happened, but I’m not the pain he caused me anymore, I’m not the girl he ignored, I’m not the girl he dropped like a bag of potatoes, I’m not his verbal punching bag, I’m not the lies he told me, I’m not the product of his narcissism, I’m not the broken-hearted girl, I’m not her anymore. I’m no longer mud stuck in the past. It doesn’t mean I have to forget, because after all, our past is part of our journey, it is the very thing that molds us into exactly who we are, what we become. We are the products of the lessons we learn. We can continue to reach for revenge, dig to only make ourselves feel better or we can choose to let the wounds exit.

1. You’re single. And you love it, well most of the time. NOT. Okay, maybe a little. You do question if there is anyone out there for you. Most days you do. Maybe not every single day, but it does occur more than you care to admit.

2. All your friends are “taken”.. Some married, some have kids, and all that relationship jazz. So that excludes you from anything and all things “couples”, you don’t get invited to outings.. and if you do it’s like you’re the third wheel, whichever wheel who has time to be a wheel. #nothanks #nowheelinghere < yes, I just hashtagged in my blog. & with that being said, men just assume because your friends are married then that has to be exactly what you’re looking for.. just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re ready for marriage << such a typical thought for people who assume entirely too much. 

3. Most weekends it’s just YOU. All of your lonesome. Comfy clothes, pajamas and whatnot, the couch, and Netflix is basically all you know. Netflix and chill, right!? Most of the time as well you read your nights away. Oh, and coffee might as well be your boyfriend 

4. Questions. You can’t keep count of how many times you’ve questioned, “What’s wrong with me?” “What am I doing wrong?” …. You’ve sort of convinced yourself you may just be single forever.. With that said, there isn’t anything wrong with you, you just haven’t met the person that will pursue you and only you, that will cherish your worth, that will cherish your value.  Ladies and gents, if they don’t lead you closer to God then that should be the tallest tale of a sign. Need I say more.. I didn’t think so.. 

5. More questions. You also can’t keep count how many times you’ve been asked, “Why aren’t you married?” Or “Why are you STILL single?” ….hold on why I plot in my head of how I’m going to punch you and run. Not literally, but goodness those questions get old.

6. Patience. You are completely aware of the word patience and have come to know its true meaning. Literal terms. Your relationship status is currently patience. #meetmybfpatience << yup, I did it again. No shame of up in my game.. 

7. Killer independence. You’re perfectly okay with your killer independence, but wouldn’t mind a companion, BUT only the right one. No time for your emotions to get involved with the wrong one again. After all, your emotions are pretty intact. You’re over the games. Elementary was so many moons ago.. not to mention you no longer play on the monkey bars so why would it be acceptable to play games with a boy that is unsure of all things commitable,  and well, wants to hang with you and Sally and Jane, too. NEXT

8. You really have no interest in dating.. speed dating.. just dating period. Your dating record hasn’t been such a success and your heart really has had enough. You don’t have time for the hurt anymore. Call it scared. Call it fear, but you’ve really had your fair share of wounds, and well.. You’re running out of band-aids. 

9. You’re guarded for a reason. It didn’t just happen over night. Some people will get that and then there will be some that don’t. People will try to act like they know you… you ignore those and carry on with your single career and be guarded. Be you! 

10. You’re always like the go to girl… “I have someone in mind for you to date.” As soon as someone knows you’re single, it becomes a game. Let’s see who they can fix you up with. < I don’t know about you, but I’m so not a fan of blind dates. For the record, I’m not about a dating website either. 

11. Tis the season.. You really are trying to be content in the now. Being content in this very season. Every season is for a purpose, a rhyme and a reason. You may get lonely and start wishing, but I think we can agree that you’d prefer to be lonely then be with the wrong one (again) or even remotely out of God’s will for you. 

His Will. When you’re in His Will your heart is at peace, and when you’re not there’s no peace. Remember single ladies, focus on you. Find yourself. There’s a silverlining in every heartbreak, feel the ache, feel the hurt, but don’t let it break you. Know your worth. Know your value. Don’t fall victim to someone who doesn’t appreciate you, who doesn’t pursue you, and doesn’t respect you. Have standards. If that boy don’t meet those standards then it’s bye, Felicia! 

I believe we all have experiences, things we go through that mold us, shape us into the humans we are. We are all our own. We are who we are and no one person can change that, but our very own selves and of course, Jesus.

We shine the brightest when we are bravely unguarded and free. When we let our walls down. When we walk outside with arms stretched out wide and breathe in the deepest fresh air and finally let go. We all have our faults, we all have our stories. Shame on the people that would not have you share your story. The things, the characters, and events that makes us who we are. AND. I suppose they should have behaved better if they didn’t want you to share your story. Right? I mean it’s your story. No one person can tell you what to do. It’s your life. Sharing your story may be someone’s last ounce of hope. Do not shy away from who you are. It’s one of the bravest things you could ever do.

Brave is….

Brave is owning and sharing your story. Period.

To live is to be brave. To wake up each day fiercely even though sometimes you want to give up, that’s brave.

Brave is when you wake up and take on a new day and refuse to let heartbreak, sadness, anger, regret choose how you’re going to live.

Brave is when you don’t let depression win. You punch it right where it hurts. You fall on your knees and cry out to God to take the pain, the burdens away.

Brave is living inspite of hurt. Brave is putting on a smile even though you’re ready to break.

Brave is falling in love even though you’ve had your heart broken beyond repair.

Brave is courage. Brave is standing firm in all that you are, in all that God made you to be. That’s courage. That’s brave.

Brave is being content. Being content in our current circumstances. Whatever you’re going through, it’s brave to stand firm and keep moving forward. It’s hard, but it’s so brave.

Brave is walking away. Walking away from addiction. Walking away from any type of abuse. Walking away from anything that harms you, that no longer serves you, it destroys you.

Brave is to be free. To be free of your past. To be free of bondage. To be free of burdens. To be free of hurt. To be free of anxiety. To be free of depression. Brave is letting go. Letting go and embracing everything God has for you and your future.

Brave is so many things. Brave is free. Brave is love. Brave is being kind. Brave is being colorblind. Brave is looking past someone’s flaws, their mistakes and loving their heart, their character. Let’s stand together and be brave. Share your brave wherever you go. Spread the love. Be colorblind. Love all. Spread kindness. Be brave.

I think the whole concept of blogging is to share not only your thoughts, but your heart as well. And maybe in doing just that you yourself can overcome the struggle and maybe just maybe help someone overcome the battle they’re facing.

So here it goes…

Something that’s been forever weighing on my heart and mainly my thoughts. This goes deeper. To the core. Makes you sick to your stomach to even admit. It’s reality. But boy do we all do it. And if you don’t then seriously much kudos to you. Comparing yourself to others. “What does she have that I don’t?” Such a nice picture society has depicted for us. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I think we can agree that we all do it, have done it or could very well be struggling with this issue. It’s a big deal. Call it low self-esteem, but unfortunately it’s reality for most people.

If you are going through this, I encourage you to stop this very moment. It’s consuming your mornings, your happy thoughts and making you dwell on all things negative. Negative thoughts is a negative life. Switch your focus. Don’t look at social media. Take a break from it if you need to or block people. Blocking is sometimes good for the soul. Pray to have the courage to not look. Know you are enough. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

There’s nothing wrong with you. You were uniquely created, uniquely chosen, and pieced together to be the very best you by God. So be just that. AND that’s something I’m facing myself. Being content in my own skin, the very being that God made me, hazely green eyes and all.

You may say, well you don’t know my situation or what’s going on. And that is very well true. I can promise you I’ve went through something similar, and still battle with it here and there. For instance, I live in a smalltown so as much as I try to escape from seeing my ex, it sometimes doesn’t work. Specifically seeing him with his new bae. (I just laughed out loud because I used the word ‘bae’) I actually saw them together just recently and well all the questions came crashing in like a tidal wave, “what’s wrong with me?”, “am I not pretty enough?”, “worthy enough?”… the whole nine yards of those exact thoughts went through my mind. It’s hard. But we must face it with endurance. Face it head on or it will consume our happiness. Why give someone the power to control you??

The very person that made you feel worthless, you know the one who knocked you into this whole comparing state, and made you feel not good enough. Take it as a sweet blessing in disguise. So take heart in that. It’s not healthy. An attack straight from the enemy. Pray for God to give you strength not to even look at the past. You’re not going nor growing in that direction, and most certainly can’t move forward if you’re looking back. You could miss what God wants to show you, but you can’t see that if you’re blinded by trying to validate yourself by comparing yourself to another, another who is probably just as guilty of comparing as you are.

Remember your validation is in Christ alone. Be confident in your skin. Hold your head high. Each day is a new day. A new day to believe in yourself. A new day to stop comparing. You can do this. We can do this. It won’t be easy, but our strength comes from The Lord.

“God is our refuge and strength, en ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

Have an accountability partner. This is a little cliche’, but look in the mirror and OWN you. After all there’s only one you. That’s a big deal. I think if we focus on that and put all our energy into the godly woman we desire to be then all the other mess will diminish. YOU are a rare jewel. YOU are beautiful.

There’s nothing like a good workout. No matter the time. Tonight was a late one. Helps me sleep. Helps clear my mind. Usually for me when I workout, I push all the world and things that have hurt me, frustrate me to the surface. Blare my music oh so loud. It’s good to let it out sometimes. I by no means start crying (that would be embarrassing) but I do push harder. Especially when I want to quit I think of all the negative and keep going. That’s motivation.

Okay, enough rambling.

Back to the point here, there is one, I promise. So taking a break from my workout had me thinking, just curious to know, all the bad a person can do to one, and not have any remorse. No apologies. I went through a pretty tough encounter, experience, whatever you want to call it, it wasn’t pleasant. I was fooled. Blind sided. Literally. Imagine this, I’m the star quarterback, my offensive line bailed on me and bam I get sacked. I didn’t see it coming. Injured to say the least. I was taken out of the game on a stretcher that’s how bad I was hurt. What I thought of a situation was far from what the other person thought. You can invest so much in a person only for them to up and walk away.

We went from talking and seeing each other almost every single day for months straight. In the midst of those days, I now look back and not a single time did we go out in public. Hindsight is always dadgum 20/20. Period. I got played. For whatever reason. I fell a victim to his narcissistic ways. As much as we prayed together, talked about God together, as much as we opened up to each other, as much as I thought there was magic it was just an illusion. My illusion, my mistake and his lies. (I couldn’t seem to fathom how could someone so godly hurt me specifically in the events he did.) He still played me and degraded my relationship with God. Ready or not we were donezo. Kapeesh.

AND..

Not having closure probably has to be one of the hardest things to deal with. Not everyone is who they say they are. People will hurt you. People will manipulate you into believing their lies. And..  You just have to hold to the truth,

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.” – Luke 8:17

No matter what. It’s hard, but what’s done in dark will eventually be brought to light. I may be his best kept secret, but he’ll never stop being a part of my story, my testimony. I’m human and so is he. We are all sinners. And only God can judge, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about the things and people that utterly leave us shell shocked.

If you experienced anything remotely close to this just remember to keep your faith, and dust your shoulder off once or twice. Whatever it takes. Pray to have the wisdom to know the difference in a true genuine godly man vs. someone who puts on a front, uses God as a crutch, just to test the waters and use you. It’s sad. But it’s reality.

My first blog ever. Well this will be the first one I publish. The first one the world sees. I write often. I write my prayers down, I write about things that hurt me, things that make me happy, all in all I write about things that mold me into the very being I am. Which is a complicated being. I’m very in tact with my feelings. A little too much sometimes, but that’s what makes me well me, and much more of a reason to write.

So many things rush in like a giant wave when thinking about this blog. Specifically with my emotions, the unknown of where this blog will take me spiritually, physically and emotionally. I pray to have a peaceful heart, strong willing fingers and a clear mind. I pray to only share what God would want and not fleshly share.

It’s not about me. I have no intentions to degrade or pass judgment on anyone. BUT merely share with you my heart. That may mean talking about some very personal things, some unlikely characters I have encountered that have hurt me, and what I learned from those experiences. How through all my mess, mistakes, hurts and happy moments, God is still God. We all have our own realities, these experiences happen to be mine.

Without further ado, welcome to Pottery Brook’s blog, to my journey!

Enjoy and just breathe.